Snake Interviews Snake
by SamandMax
Summary: Snake interviews himself. Why? I don't know, I just thought it'd be interesting.
1. Default Chapter

Snake Interviews Snake  
Snake: Hello, I'm here with everyone's favourite human being Snake.  
  
Snake: Aha, you're too kind.  
  
Snake: No I'm not. Here, have some money.  
  
Snake: Oh, thank you.  
  
Snake: Now Snake, I heard you're walking on a brand new movie. Is it as genius as your last movies?  
  
Snake: Very much so. It's titled "Jesus's Rocket Ship". I play Jesus, and I go on crazy adventures in my rocket ship.  
  
Snake: Wow, it sounds amazing.   
  
Snake: It is amazing.  
  
Snake: So, I also heard you have a TV show coming out this Fall too. Is this true?  
  
Snake: Yes. It's a mystery series called "The Snake Mystery Chronicles." I play myself, and we have a bunch of celebrities suck as Chuck Norris, Burt Reynolds, and Sir Dustin Diamond. And then, on the last episode, where I'm about to solve the Mystery of the Mysterious Mastermind, I don't, and never will.   
  
Snake: Do you think it'll make you billions of dollars?  
  
Snake: Yes. Yes I do.  
  
Snake: And since you're so busy, you also have a new CD coming out!   
  
Snake: Yep. Me, Don Knotts, and Wilford Brimley formed the band "The Rockin' Rockers from Rocksville" and are releasing our first album next Summer, called "Rockin' it up a Notch".  
  
Snake: Wow, I bet it'll be godly.  
  
Snake: Would you like to hear some lyrics from it?  
  
Snake: Absolutely.  
  
Snake: Ahem. "I'm the preacher of rock and roll, I'll rock ya world just like a hurricane, and then I'll steal yo' wallet and buy me a steamroller and crush ya' face." And then, after that, Don Knotts does this kickass guitar solo. It's totally rockerific.  
  
Snake: And then if all this stuff isn't enough, you also have a book.  
  
Snake: Yep. My autobiography, "Portrait of a Genius: The Solid Snake Experience" will come out next month. It tells the harrowing story of my life, from when I was an inner city street punk, to when I assasinated Kennedy.  
  
Snake: Now, let's get to the big news everyone wants to hear about: will you ever head to Broadway and make a musical?  
  
Snake: You know, that dream may finally come true for me. Last year, I was approached to create a musical. And so, I have begun work on "Cut it Out", a musical version of Full House. I'm going to star as the Bob Saget character, Dave Coultier will play as Uncle Joey, and Uncle Joey's evil pirate twin brother. And of course, John Stamos will return to play as Jesse, and the dog. It'll be about the adventure of these three men as they sail the seas looking for the lost Olsen twins.   
  
Snake: Have you written any songs for it yet?  
  
Snake: Why yes, I have. There's "Argh, ye matey!", "Woodchuck Rock", and my favourite, "Uncle Jesse and the Gang's Wild Tambourine Brigade."  
  
Snake: Fascinating. I'm sure it will be a big hit when it comes out.  
  
Snake: I've already visited the future, and it will be gigantic.  
  
Snake: Now, it's time to ask you about some rumours. Is it true you've been seeing Jennifer Lopez?  
  
Snake: Let me straighten this out. I was married to Jennifer three times before: 1989, 1990, and 1993. We don't see each other anymore, and she's had another 11 husbands after me, so I doubt she even thinks about me anymore.  
  
Snake: I also heard another rumour, that you were going to run for president.  
  
Snake: That's not a rumour, it's the truth. I'm going to be President of the USA!   
  
Snake: Who's going to be your running mates?  
  
Snake: Mothara and Whimpy, Popeye's friend.  
  
Snake: I didn't know they were real.  
  
Snake: Oh yeah. Whimpy runs a hamburger addiction clinic, and Mothra teaches at a preschool.  
  
Snake: And one last rumour. Is it true your real name is Herman Zebowski?  
  
Snake: Absolutely not. My real name is Zuktroy Vorgason.  
  
Snake: Now, I'd like to ask a question you may not know the correct answer to. Where do you see yourself in 20 years Zuktroy?  
  
Snake: I'll be blasting across the skies in my giant mansion/rocket house, solving mysteries by day, and running a roller disco by night.   
Part 2 Coming Soon!  
Hey, Snake needs your help! He wants you, the fans, to ask questions for him to answer in the next part! Just add them in the review section, and maybe Snake will answer them!*  
*Maybe is a guarantee. Snake will answer any and all questions asked him, including idiotic questions such as "Are you a communist?", and "Are you sure you're not a communist?" 


	2. Part 2: Chapter 2: The Sequel to Chapter...

Part 2  
  
Snake: Now, let's get some fanmail out of the way. Snake, is it true you were once addicted to Flintsone's Chewables.  
  
Snake: Yes. My friend, Barney Rubble, would always tell to go buy some. I did one day, and I got addicted to them. They're like crack to me.  
  
Snake: So are you still addicted?  
  
Snake: Nah. After getting my stomach pumped for an 80th time, I decided I'd better stop. Barney's still a big addict thought, even though his friend Fred OD'd on them.  
  
Snake: Next question. Are you designing suits made out of edible leather?  
  
Snake: No, I'm not. But, I am designing a special type of pants for the government, made out of cheese and hot tar. They're cheese-a-licious.  
  
Snake: Why do you put hot tar in them?  
  
Snake: I don't know. Give it a little tangy taste.  
  
Snake: I also heard that James Van Der Beek was stalking you, is this true?  
  
Snake: Yeah. It all started last April Fool's, when I set his house on fire as a practical joke. As he ran out of the house on fire, screaming in pain, I leaped out of the bushes and screamed "April Fool's!". He didn't think it was very funny that half of his body was scarred beyond recognition, so he began following me. Eventually, one day I got sick of it and I shot him. He's dead now, and whenever you see him in a movie or a TV show, it's just his twin brother, Humphrey Van Der Beek.  
  
Snake: Now, I know you don't like talking about your communist past, but on a scale of 1-10, how communist are you?  
  
Snake: Hmmm...that's a tough one. You see, I used to be a huge communist. Setting fires to capitalist's houses, building a Berlin Wall in my backyard, trying to assasinate the President, innocent stuff like that. Now, I don't really take part in communism, it's pretty boring now. In a few years, it'll be gone, just like the XFL, the Macarena, and Rico Suave.  
  
Snake: Here's an odd one. Was it you or Hideo that came up with the idea of wearing a navy blue headband with the black suit during the creation of MGS?  
  
Snake: Originally, I was supposed to be wearing a mask of Freddy Krueger with the tux, but the prop guy mysteriously disappeared, and so we just stole a blue headband we found in the dumpster outside of Wendy's.  
  
Snake: Ok, next question. What do you think about Ben Affleck marrying your ex-wife?  
  
Snake: Well, I got nothing personal against the guy, but I should warn him that's he marrying a shebitch. A real shebitch. And she smells very bad, like a piece of mouldy bread covered in sweet and sour sauce. And although she says she's from the Block, she's not. She was really created in a glass tube in a labratory in Moscow. She's an escaped lab creature.  
  
Snake: Now, here's a hypothetical question for you. If they made a movie about your life, what would you think of Hugh Jackman playing you?  
  
Snake: Well, you may not know this, but my favourite movie of all time is the classic Revenge of the Nerds, so I'd get Booger to play as me. Hugh Jackman's a good actor, but I don't think he'd do a good job, he's too Australian. Although Paul Hogan's Australian, and he'd be great in the part. You know, I was the basis of the Crocodile Dundee character.  
  
Snake: Were you?  
  
Snake: No.  
  
Snake: Now, I know you mentioned you were running for President, so if you're elected, do you think you'll make Muesday an official day?  
  
Snake: Not if I'm elected, I will be elected. And yes, I'm planning to add Muesday, along with many other additions. There will be a new holiday entitled "Money Day", where everyone will give each other money, that's on July 19. On December 25, I replaced Christmas with "Asskicking Day", because it kicks so much ass. And then, I'm planning to create a new month, simply titled "Crud". I think everyone will like these changes.  
  
Snake: Now, here's a very bizarre question, that I just have to ask. If you could either do Jack White or Julian Casablancas, who would you choose?  
  
Snake: You're right, that is a very bizarre question. I like both band's music, especially The White Stripes who have one of the best CD's so far this year, but I don't think I'd do either one of them, unless one of them got a sex change operation. Although Jack has a pretty hot sister, so I could try to get closer to her. And you might not know this, but before they chose the name The Strokes, they were known as the 'Boogie Baggle Hillbilly and his gang of Jug Tooting Rednecks'. It's true, I once played jugs with them. I was the band member known as 'Toothless Herman'.  
  
Snake: Now, I'm going to ask a few personal questions. #1, Do you think you're too fat?  
  
Snake: No. I'm a perfect human being. No one is in better shape than me. Except maybe Jesus, but I bet I could beat him at Battleship. No one ever beats me at Battleship.  
  
Snake: Ok, #2: Do you think you're old, or possibly bulimic,or anarexic, or possibly a transvestite?  
  
Snake: Well, I know I'm definetely not a tranvestite, at least not anymore more, and I'm not anorexic, because that's what Otacon was. I may possibly be bulimic though, I guess it is a bit odd I throw up 32 times a day. Yeah, I guess I am bulimic.  
  
Snake: #3, are you married to Raiden?  
  
Snake: Ugh, I hate when a rumour starts to spread. Let me get the facts straight. Raiden is already married, to a female. Or that's what he tells us, but actually none of us has actually seen this wife, and we're presuming she's either fake, or just a picture of a girl. Either way, Raiden's a very disturbed man.  
  
Snake: Here's an odd question, are you having an affair with Otacon?  
  
Snake: Absolutely not. In fact, me and Otacon are now not speaking to each other.  
  
Snake: Why?  
  
Snake: Because he always leaves the toilet seat up.  
  
Snake: I see...let's move on. I'm going to shoot this question to you straight because it's strange, did Olga rape you?  
  
Snake: No, she did not. Ocelot tried and failed to rape me, but Olga never even attempted. It kind of hurt my feelings actually, I was really hoping she'd at least try to rape me, that would've been the courteous thing to do.  
  
Snake: Indeed it would have. Well, I guess that's the end of the interview. I want to thank Snake, the greatest human being on the planet, and I want to thank Alex Trebeck. Why thank Alex? I don't know why, but that man shaved his mustache, and hopefully by thanking him, he'll grow it back. This is Snake, signing off. 


End file.
